| [3.01] | BETRAYAL | (II-4: Sisters) | 12 Sep 89
| Writers:
| BOB BURRIS & MICHAEL WARE
| Director:
| JONATHON WEISS
|
BRYAN GENESSE
| as
| Blitz
|
BRIAN L. GREEN
| as
| Cort Andrews
| SYNOPSIS
|
It's Friday night, and Cindy and Wendy are off on dates with Cort, a mall salesman,
and Blitz, a punk-rocker. But Cort is clearly more attracted to Wendy than Cindy.
Although he asks Cindy to an Oingo Boingo concert, he later dumps her and asks Wendy
instead. Marie sees what's going on and meddles. She enlists Connie's support and
they laboriously talk Cindy into understanding that she's been betrayed. Wendy
refuses to concede that she's done anything wrong, so Marie suggests that Cindy
should go out with Blitz to make Wendy realize how it feels to be betrayed. The plan
succeeds, but only to the extent that Cindy and Wendy agree to not do anything to
hurt each other while making fun of Marie and Connie for not having boyfriends of
their own.
| QUOTES
| CONNIE
| And what street corner
will you be holding down tonight?
| WENDY
| You're just jealous
because I have a date and you have "Fun Night on ABC."
| CINDY
| I love it when you talk
fashion.
| WENDY
| Why are you looking at me
like I did something wrong?
| MARIE
| You are coveting thy
sister's hunk!
| MARIE
| Cindy! Phone! ... It's Satan.
| CINDY
| Satan who?
| CINDY
| This silent treatment is
making me miserable.
| CONNIE
| What silent treatment?
You haven't shut up yet.
| MARIE
| Cindy's body is an
occasion to sin.
| WENDY
| The situations are
entirely different!
| CONNIE
| Oh, in what way?
| WENDY
| Well... Well...
This time it happened to me!
| ELIZ.
| Young man, are you
going to leave, or do I have to get out the garden hose?
| BLITZ
| Killer. Let's get
wet.
| | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.02] | QUARTERBACK SNEAK | (II-5: Murphy, Part 1) | 29 Sep 89
| Writers:
| MICHAEL WARE & BOB BURRIS
| Director:
| JONATHON WEISS
| EVAN ARNOLD
| as
| Gavin Doosler
|
MATT Le BLANC
| as
| Todd Murphy
| LOU RICHARDS
| as
| Father Bud
| SYNOPSIS
|
Coach Lubbock pins his hopes for a winning football season on his new quarterback, Todd
Murphy (played by Matt Le Blanc of Friends). But Murph has his eye on Wendy, and
his performance depends on how she feels about him. When she's interested in him, he
does great, when not, he loses focus and bumbles. Coach Lubbock makes a deal with Wendy:
she can go out on school nights if she pays attention to Murph. The strategy is so
successful that Coach Lubbock can't enjoy victory. But when Elizabeth finds out about
it, he's in really big trouble. Although he wants Wendy to dump Murphy, she really likes
him. Elizabeth convinces Coach Lubbock to leave them alone.
| QUOTES
| MARIE
| All men want from a woman
is just to see her shake her pom-poms and bounce up and down.
| CONNIE
| Then why are you
shortening your skirt?
| MARIE
| God help me, I loved it.
| CINDY
| Oh, no! Ovaline and Ho-Ho's.
| CONNIE
| She'll be pregnant by
sun-up.
| WENDY
| How good do you want this
guy?
| | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.03] | WHO CUT THE CHEESE? | (II-6: Booger Barn) | 05 Oct 89
| Writer:
| NICK LEROSE
| Director:
| FRANK BONNER
| Guest Starring
| EVAN ARNOLD
| as
| Gavin Doosler
| BILL ERWIN
| as
| Mr. Pruitt
| MAXINE ELLIOTT
| as
| Old Lady
| LOU RICHARDS
| as
| Father "Bud" Kimmel
| SYNOPSIS
|
With eight kids and his meager teacher's salary, Coach Lubbock qualifies for free
government food, but he's not about to accept charity. He chooses to take a second
job working at the Burger Barn. Only Connie knows where he's working, and he insists
on being called "Mitch" at work. But the demands are too much: he's always tired,
and he resents being supervised by "Mr. Doosler." He concedes that it would be better
to be with his family that to be too proud. They go to apply for free food, but the
extra income has made them ineligible.
| QUOTES
| JR
| When I grow up, I'm
going to be poor!
| COACH
| All right, all right.
Who cut the cheese?
| PRUITT
| Did you ever kill
anyone with a spatula?
| COACH
| No...
| PRUITT
| Then welcome to the
Burger Barn family.
| MARIE
| Are you suggesting that
everyone should dress like a sleaze?
| WENDY
| A sleaze?
| CINDY
| Well, if Wendy's a
sleaze, then I am too!
| CONNIE
| No comment here.
| CONNIE
| You're giving up teaching
to work at the Booger Barn?
| | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.04] | RISKY BUSINESS | (II-7: Broken Dishes) | 12 Oct 89
| Writer:
| RICH REINHART
| Director:
| JAMES WIDDOES
| Guest Starring
| FRANK BONNER
| as
| Father Hargis
| LOU RICHARDS
| as
| Father Bud
| Co-Starring
| LISA GARR
| as
| Hooker
|
SUZANNE GODDARD
| as
| Woman Customer
|
PATRICIA FRASER
| as
| Clerk
| SYNOPSIS
|
JR and Sherry are in a mess. While horsing around in a closet under the stairs,
they break a large number of pieces of the family china. At the same time, the
entire family is selling fudge bars to raise money for St. Auggie's. When a
woman on the street insists on paying $2 for a $1 bar of candy, Sherry gets the
bright idea of cranking up the price and using the extra money to replace the
broken dishes. They go as high as $5 per bar and make more than enough. But
JR - always the swift one - buys a full set of a better pattern, not realizing
that this will give them away. It brings down the wrath of both parents and
Father Hargis, who can't believe they got $5 per bar.
| QUOTES
| CINDY
| Beer isn't good for
you, Daddy.
| COACH
| Neither is having eight
kids.
| SHERRY
| Couldn't I have gotten
a brother with an opposable thumb?
| WOMAN
| I'm not Catholic myself,
but I sure like a school system that breaks the spirit of young people.
| COACH
| Nowhere in the Bible did
Jesus ever say, "Blessed are the fudgemakers."
| | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.05] | SIMPLE GIFTS | (II-8: Choir) | 19 Oct 89
| Writer:
| NICK LEROSE
| Director:
| MIKE SULLIVAN
| Guest Starring
| FRANK BONNER
| as
| Father Hargis
| EVAN ARNOLD
| as
| Gavin Doosler
|
WILLIAM DENIS
| as
| Monsignor O'Toole
| BILL ERWIN
| as
| Mr. Pruitt
| Co-Starring
| SUZANNE GODDARD
| as
| Doo Wah Diddy Lady
|
NOON ORSATTI
| as
| Tough Guy
| SYNOPSIS
|
Elizabeth volunteers to organize a choir for St. Augie's, but she finds it difficult
to recruit talented singers. The Lubbock Babes audition, but Cindy, Wendy, and
Connie do their best to get themselves rejected by turning "Amazing Grace" into a
raucous, sex-charged party tune. It doesn't work, but by the end of the first
rehearsal, Elizabeth is on her own. She has to figure out how she drove everyone
away.
| SONGS
|
The Lubbock Babes sing twice here:
| Amazing Grace JOHN NEWTON (rockin' audition version) Still Got Your Fire ??? (also performed in 2.20) QUOTES
| WENDY
| Choir music just isn't
our kind of thing.
| ELIZ.
| Thing?
| COACH
| Oh, and I suppose your
thing is singing down at the pizza parlor, prancing around the stage like a bunch of...
| SHERRY
| ...white trash.
| CINDY
| Choir robes make you look
fat. Okay, I said it.
| MARIE
| All you care about is
hairy men who buy you things.
| WENDY
| Is that so terrible? I
don't think so.
| | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.06] | A COUPLE OF SWELLS | (II-9: Fat People) | 02 Nov 89
| Writers:
| JAKE & MIKE WEINBERGER
| Director:
| JONATHON WEISS
| Guest Starring
|
MARK NEELY
| as
| Dr. Wagner
|
KENNETH DANZIGER
| as
| Diet Center Speaker
| MAXINE ELLIOTT
| as
| Sister Ethel
| JAMES BROGAN
| as
| Half-fat Man
| Co-Starring
| JUDY JEAN BURNS
| as
| Woman at Meeting
|
LANCE SLAUGHTER
| as
| Convenience Store Employee
|
DAVID TOM
| as
| Kid
| VITO GIAMBALVO
| as
| Ice Cream Guy
| SYNOPSIS
|
Coach Lubbock and Cindy decide to go on a diet together, but it's tough going.
Coach Lubbock is the "braggart type," over-confident that he can quickly lose
weight if he tries to. He doesn't make it through the first day, in spite of
Elizabeth's efforts to make food hard to find: she distributes his picture all
over town with instructions to tell him, "I love you, Lard-butt." He and Cindy
eventually track down food. It makes him feel awful, however, and gives him new
resolve to stick with the diet.
| QUOTES
| ELIZ.
| What other secrets
do you have?
| COACH
| I'm losing my hair.
| MARIE
| What can I say,
crossdressing amuse me. Is it a sin? Probably. Oh, no... (exit)
| COACH
| When she finally
cracks, I hope there are a lot of nice people around to help her.
| | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.07] | THAT CHAMPIONSHIP SEASON | (II-10: Murphy, Part 2) | 09 Nov 89
| Writers:
| BOB BURRIS & MICHAEL WARE
| Director:
| JONATHON WEISS
| Guest Starring
| FRANK BONNER
| as
| Father Hargis
| EVAN ARNOLD
| as
| Gavin Doosler
| MATT Le BLANC
| as
| Todd Murphy
| WILLIAM DENIS
| as
| Father O'Toole
| MAXINE ELLIOTT
| as
| Sister Ethel
| LOU RICHARDS
| as
| Father Bud
| SYNOPSIS
|
With Murphy at quarterback, The St. Auggie's Hippos are in position to win the
championship. Until, that is, Murphy flunks a history test and becomes ineligible
to play. Coach Lubbock is pressured to let him play anyway by other people and
by his own desire to be a winner. On top of the ethics of the situation, Murphy
thinks he deserves to get away with slouching off. In the end, Coach Lubbock does
the right thing and benches him. With Gavin Doosler as the backup quarterback,
they lose the championship game.
| QUOTES
| COACH
| What the hell are we
doing to our children, forcing them to go to school to be literate?
| HARGIS
| Let me make it easy for
you. Here's a new rule: grades don't matter.
| FR. BUD
| Coach, do you think it's
a good idea to use all your time-outs before the opening kick-off?
| COACH
| I want you to come back
a star.
| GAVIN
| I just want to come back.
| | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.08] | DANGEROUS LIASON | (II-11: Anything in Pants) | 17 Nov 89
| Writers:
| JAKE & MIKE WEINBERGER
| Director:
| JAMES WIDDOES
| Guest Starring
|
KEVIN WIXTED
| as
| Dice
| MICHAEL GILBERT LEWIS
| as
| Det. Peters
| Co-Starring
|
DEE RESCHER
| as
| Waitress
| LANCE SLAUGHTER
| as
| Store Clerk
| SYNOPSIS
|
After the Lubbock Babes perform during their 20th "sold-out" weekend at Danny's, Wendy
picks up a dark, rebellious stranger, who subsequently takes her along when he robs a
convenience store at gunpoint. Although the surveilance tape indicates that she wasn't
really involved, she's hardly innocent. Coach Lubbock and Elizabeth strive the rest of
the night to explain to her how bad decisions got her into such a mess.
| SONGS
|
The Lubbock Babes sing once:
| Make Something of It ??? QUOTES
| WENDY
| You're new here,
aren't you?
| WAITR.
| Not that new.
| MARIE
| He makes my flesh crawl.
| CONNIE
| Then shouldn't you stop
staring at him?
| MARIE
| I should. I should...
| MARIE
| With guys like this,
anything can happen.
| WENDY
| You're reading my mind.
| CONNIE
| Short read.
| COACH
| You've been arrested
for armed robbery!
| WENDY
| I know. Can you believe
it?
| ELIZ.
| Oh, don't make us answer
that.
| WENDY
| Well, excuuuuse me. Is
it a crime to have illegal ID?
| UNISON
| YES! [COACH, ELIZ., &
DET. PETERS]
| WENDY
| (from tape) You're
robbing the store? Oh, my God! You really are dangerous. ... I had no idea. Oh, Mommie!
Mommie...
| WENDY
| So... What's got you
so upset?
| ELIZ.
| You said you thought he
was dangerous.
| WENDY
| Oh, I didn't mean
dangerous dangerous. I meant "dangerous"... Hot. Sexy. Jumpable.
| COACH
| What kind of answer is
that?!?
| ELIZ.
| Isn't there a place
inside of you that whispers when something seems wrong?
| WENDY
| Where inside?
| | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.09] | ST. AUGIE'S BLUES (1) | (II-12: Janitor Bob and Other News (1)) | 30 Nov 89
| [3.10]
| ST. AUGIE'S BLUES (2)
| (III-1: Janitor Bob and Other News (2))
| 01 Dec 89
| Writer:
| NICK LEROSE
| Director:
| JAMES WIDDOES
| Guest Starring
| FRANK BONNER
| as
| Father Hargis (1,2)
|
JACK DODSON
| as
| Burt (1,2)
| SUZANNE GODDARD
| as
| Molly Peoples (1,2)
| MAXINE ELLIOTT
| as
| Sister Ethel (1,2)
|
BEANS MOROCCO
| as
| Mason (1,2)
|
SID HAIG
| as
| Janitor Bob (1,2)
| Co-Starring
| RAFFAELLA COMMITANTE
| as
| Mrs. Plotkin (2)
| JOHN DANTONA
| as
| Parent #2 (2)
|
CYNTHIA JUMP
| as
| Parent #1 (2)
| PHIL STELLAR
| as
| Mr. Plotkin (2)
| SYNOPSIS
|
While Connie tries to come up with some way to write an interesting story about
Janitor Bob, Coach Lubbock leads a committee trying to get a raise out of
Father Hargis. Father Hargis doesn't play fair: he forces them to sit in tiny
chairs, he fakes a poverty call from the bishop, and he fakes God's voice. But
when an "act of God" intervenes, he agrees to give the teachers a raise, though
he has to increase tuition to do so. When Sherry passes this news to Connie, she
writes it up for the school paper, with disastrous consequences. Many parents
begin to pull their students out, and Father Hargis has to put the Lubbock's
house up for sale to pay for the raise instead of raising tuition. Connie tries
to counteract what she's done by writing a fictitious article stating that the
teachers had turned on her dad, which causes them to do so. While Connie tries to
understand why everything she does makes things worse, Father Hargis decides to
bring the parents and teachers together. No one is willing to listen to anyone
else until Connie comes in and apologizes for what she's done, showing that the
students are worth some sacrifice (and compromise) by both parents and teachers.
| QUOTES
| WENDY
| Connie, can you
settle an argument for us?
| CONNIE
| Cindy's are bigger.
| CONNIE
| Do you have a philosophy?
| J. BOB
| Get it before it dries.
| HARGIS
| If I squandered school money,
may lightning strike me! (zapped by lamp)
| J. BOB
| (lights dim) Whatever that
is, I'm going to have to clean it up.
| CONNIE
| I thought you'd be proud
of me.
| MARIE
| Judas, Judas, that's your
name. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same.
| CONNIE
| Haven't you forgotten a
little thing called the First Amendment? This is America.
| ELIZ.
| America ends at that front
door. This is Lubbockland, and I'm the evil queen.
| ELIZ.
| There's a man outside
wearing an orange coat.
| MOLLY
| Was he wearing pants?
| WENDY
| Tramp, tramp, tramp.
You know you say that so often sometimes I think you really want to be one, Marie.
| MARIE
| Connie, you can't blame
inanimate objects! I've tried.
| COACH
| Elizabeth, how important
is it to you to keep all eight kids?
| CONNIE
| Father Hargis? You don't
hear confession this time of day!
| HARGIS
| People are coming after
me, they're going to meet me on my turf.
| CONNIE
| You're cute when you're
threatening.
| J. BOB
| The state of Louisiana
didn't think so.
| | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.11] | SKATEBOARD | (III-2: Skateboard) | 07 Dec 89
| Writers:
| JAKE & MIKE WEINBERGER
| Director:
| FRANK BONNER
| Guest Starring
| JASON HORST
| as
| Larry
|
RANDY JOSSELYN
| as
| Peter
|
MARLON TAYLOR
| as
| Todd
| SYNOPSIS
|
JR desperately wants a new skateboard for his birthday. Everyone in the family
assures him that he isn't getting one, knowing full well that Coach Lubbock is
making one for him. But he's less than thrilled with the homemade one, especially
when his friends tease him about its uncoolness. He soon makes up a story about
being mugged by Canadians and dumps it in the trash. Coach Lubbock begins to make
a new board, but Elizabeth finds the first one. Coach Lubbock is hurt by what JR
has done and explains why by reminiscing about the badly-sung record his father
made for him for his eleventh birthday.
| QUOTES
| JR
| Look at it this way:
if they buy me the skateboard, there's a good chance I'll break my neck.
| SHERRY
| You talked me into
it.
| SHERRY
| (reading from JR's
script) "Skateboarding is the top sport of heterosexual boys."
| CONNIE
| I thought Wendy was.
| JR
| You'll yell at me.
| COACH
| That could happen.
| | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.12] | HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN | (III-3: Nunhood?) | 14 Dec 89
| Writer:
| RICH REINHART
| Director:
| JOHN GUNTSELMAN
| Guest Starring
|
NANCY LANE
| as
| Waitress
|
ANGELO TIFFE
| as
| Cook
|
TAYLOR FRY
| as
| Little Marie
| NEAL EASTMAN
| as
| Mechanic
|
JAN EDDY
| as
| Spider
|
JAN RABSON
| as
| Rod Serling look-alike
|
MARK CARLTON
| as
| Truck Driver
| Co-Starring
| ROBYN FAY BOOKLAND
| as
| Little Wendy
|
HARTLEY HAVERTY
| as
| Little Cindy
|
ELIZABETH REILLY
| as
| Woman in Flowered dress
| Featuring
| MARK JORDAN
| as
| Little Boy
| JEFF TRIANDOS
| as
| Dennis
| SYNOPSIS
|
Elizabeth is taking Marie to the convent at St. Bartholemew's for a two-week
try-out. Marie seems to be very certain that this is what she's been called to
do, but Elizabeth slowly comes to realize that Marie is only doing this to
please her. After car problems and a trip through the Twilight Zone, Elizabeth
confronts Marie and learns that her fears were correct.
| QUOTES
| SHERRY
| Show a little respect
for a future nun, even if she is our wacko sister.
| | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.13] | COMEDY TONIGHT | (III-4: St. Augie's Variety Show) | 04 Jan 90
| Writers:
| DAN GUNTZELMAN & MIKE SULLIVAN & BILL KIRCHENBAUER
| Director:
| MIKE SULLIVAN
| Guest Starring
| FRANK BONNER
| as
| Father Hargis
| EVAN ARNOLD
| as
| Gavin Doosler
| MAXINE ELLIOTT
| as
| Sister Ethel
| SID HAIG
| as
| Janitor Bob
| JOHNNY DARK
| as
| Danny
| LOU RICHARDS
| as
| Father Bud
| SYNOPSIS
|
In addition to performances by the Lubbock Babes, the variety show includes dueling
padres, magic by JR and Sherry, and a comedy routine by Coach Lubbock (who suffers
from stage fright).
| SONGS
|
The Lubbock Babes perform two numbers and lead a third:
| I'm Happy Just to Dance with You THE BEATLES This Girl THE BEATLES (originally, This Boy) Soul Deep THE BOX TOPS (group song) QUOTES
| WENDY
| I just don't like the
idea of giving it away for free.
| CONNIE
| Why should tonight be
any different?
| | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.14] | POETIC JUSTICE | (III-5: Poetry Man) | 11 Jan 90
| Writer:
| CRAIG SHOEMAKER
| Director:
| JONATHON WEISS
| Guest Starring
| EVAN ARNOLD
| as
| Gavin Doosler
|
PAUL SATTERFIELD
| as
| Prof. Fleming
| Co-Starring
|
KELLY ANDRUS
| as
| Rhonda
|
ROBERT KIM
| as
| Clerk
|
BRIAN PECK
| as
| Doorman
| SYNOPSIS
|
Connie develops a big crush on Max Fleming when he returns to resume teaching his
poetry course. When he invites her to the state poetry festival, she has quite the
wrong idea about his intentions. When Coach Lubbock finds out what she thinks she's
doing, he hops in the car, heads for Sausalito, and bursts in on Fleming... and
his estranged wife, who are working out their problems. He'd brought Connie along
to babysit. She's crushed until Coach Lubbock points out that she's now old
enough that he'll have to keep an eye out on her, the same as with Wendy and
Cindy.
| QUOTES
| CONNIE
| What, do you think
Byron means "breast" the way you do?
| COACH
| He's a guy, isn't he?
| | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.15] | PERFECT DATE | (III-6: The Good Scout) | 18 Jan 90
| Writers:
| BOB BURRIS & MICHAEL WARE
| Director:
| JOHN GUNTSELMAN
| Guest Starring
|
DAVID KAUFMAN
| as
| Fred Hinkins
|
IAN ROMEYN
| as
| Bruno
| Featuring
|
OMAR GOODING
| as
| Scout
|
TROY FROMIN
| as
| Toad
| SYNOPSIS
|
Coach Lubbock is so fed up with Wendy's choice of dates that he and Elizabeth decide
to choose her next one, scout leader Fred. Wendy thinks that the best way to prevent
this from every happening again is to try to bring the wild side out of the nature
lover. She isn't able to seduce him, however. In fact, he defends Wendy's honor when
one of her boyfriends, Bruno, and his buddy Toad show up and give them a hard time.
Wendy finds that she likes Fred for what he is and the way he treats and respects
her.
| QUOTES
| ELIZ.
| Why can't you go out
with nice normal boys?
| WENDY
| They don't have money.
| WENDY
| Mom and Dad are giving
me away to a goon.
| CONNIE
| What are we getting in
return?
| COACH
| We need someone who looks
like a regular guy but doesn't have regular guy impulses.
| MARIE
| Oh, you mean someone
who's had a farm implement accident.
| ELIZ.
| What does your scout book
say about poison ivy?
| JR
| Don't wipe with it.
| | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.16] | SNOW JOB (1) | (III-7: Virgins in the Islands(1)) | 01 Feb 90
| [3.17]
| SNOW JOB (2)
| (III-8: Virgins in the Islands(2))
| 08 Feb 90
| Writers:
| MICHAEL WARE & BOB BURRIS
| Director:
| JOHN GUNTSELMAN
| Guest Starring
| EVAN ARNOLD
| as
| Gavin Doosler (1,2)
| MAXINE ELLIOTT
| as
| Sister Ethel (1,2)
| BILL ERWIN
| as
| Barker (1)
| Co-Starring
|
RUTH SILVEIRA
| as
| Woman (1)
| ROBIN THICKE
| as
| Boy (1)
| Featuring
|
RICHARD ROMERO
| as
| Benito (2)
| SYNOPSIS
|
It's time for the annual High Mountain Prayer Retreat and Ski Trip, and only Marie
is enthusiastic about it. Gavin Doosler is depressed as well, but because he can't
go: he has to go to his parents' beach house in the Virgin Islands. When Wendy
learns of his "misfortune," she comes up with a scheme to trick both Marie and
Gavin. She tells Gavin that Marie has a crush on him, and she tells Marie that
Gavin is dying. They head off in the Doosler family jet and land on St. Thomas.
While Cindy, Wendy, and Connie briefly enjoy themselves on the beach and at Club
Mombo, the scheme disintegrates when Marie finds out that Gavin isn't dying and
was expecting fireworks. Marie and Gavin get back at the others by pretending to
be lovers, which ruins the rest of the vacation for Wendy, Cindy, and Connie.
| QUOTES
| MARIE
| Why do I always miss
out on the zany stuff?
| WENDY
| It's a hereditary
disease.
| CINDY
| Yeah, he caught it at
summer camp.
| GAVIN
| Too bad my parents said
the three of your are too sleazy to hang out with.
| WENDY
| Your parents forbid you
to see the three of us?
| GAVIN
| You and Tracey Gold.
| CONNIE
| Couldn't you at least
have the decency to stay in the bedroom?
| MARIE
| We left decency an hour
ago.
| CINDY
| Dad was right. Premarital
sex does cause insanity.
| ELIZ.
| What you did was worse.
You pretended to have sex with a man.
| MARIE
| I'm not the first woman
to do that.
| | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.18] | FALSE IMPRESSIONS | (IV-10: The Medieval Ball) | 15 Feb 90
| Writers:
| MICHAEL WARE & BOB BURRIS
| Director:
| ROBERT HEATH
| Guest Starring
| EVAN ARNOLD
| as
| Gavin Doosler
| MAXINE ELLIOTT
| as
| Sister Ethel
| Special Guest Star
|
KEITH COOGAN
| as
| Kevin
| Co-Starring
|
GREG RUSIN
| as
| Waiter
| SYNOPSIS
|
Due to a mix-up, Connie finds herself wearing a costume to the Medieval Ball that
enhances her... feminine assets. It attracts the attention of a great many young
men and a guy named Kevin in particular. He even wants to ask Connie out on a
date, though she can hardly believe it. This presents her with a conundrum: should
she go as her unaugmented self or pad her chances? She goes with padding, but her
dinner conversation with Kevin encourages her to drop the pretense. Unfortunately,
Kevin then drops her. Of all people, Wendy has some encouraging words for her.
| QUOTES
| MARIE
| He's asking you out
on a date. ... I know what I'm talking about - I've read a great deal on the
subject.
| CONNIE
| You just wiggle your
little finger - or whatever else is hanging out - and boys appear.
| | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.19] | CINDY BREAKS A DATE | (III-9: Men Are Such Pigs) | 22 Feb 90
| Writers:
| JAKE & MIKE WEINBERGER
| Director:
| JAMES WIDDOES
| Guest Starring
| BRANDON DOUGLAS
| as
| Derek
| Co-Starring
|
MIGUEL MARCOTT
| as
| Waiter
| SYNOPSIS
|
Cindy has a big date with Derek, a senior at St. Auggie's. After going out to
dinner, he takes her down to the ocean and begins to make passes at her. Cindy
may not be the most intelligent of the Lubbock women, but when she says no, she
means it. Derek learns this when his continued efforts result in a broken arm.
Cindy returns home, confused about whether this was her fault or Derek's. As
always, her sisters don't agree. Cindy visits Derek in the hospital. He hasn't
learned his lesson and gets his other arm broken. More confused than ever, Cindy
talks to her mother about the natures of men and women and their interactions.
Elizabeth tells her that men - whether they be pigs or not - don't need much
encouragement, and women need to exercise common sense.
| QUOTES
| CINDY
| I did lead him on.
| CONNIE
| Oh puh-lease, Cindy,
you didn't lead anybody on. You're lucky you can lead yourself.
| WENDY
| They think that Cindy's
shape is a flashy neon sign going, "Open all night... We deliver... No waiting..."
| ELIZ.
| You're beautiful, and
I don't want you to ever doubt that.
| CINDY
| I never have.
| | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.20] | HEARTBREAKER | (III-11: Passing On for Marie) | 29 Mar 90
| Writers:
| JAKE & MIKE WEINBERGER
| Director:
| JOHN GUNTSELMAN
| Guest Starring
| JOHNNY DARK
| as
| Danny
|
JIM JANSEN
| as
| Mr. Skinner
| BEANS MOROCCO
| as
| Mourner
| Featuring
|
NORMAN FRIEDMAN
| as
| Rick Potter
| SYNOPSIS
|
The Lubbock Babes are still knocking them dead at Danny's. In fact, one Rick Potter
dies during one of their numbers, as Marie dances near his table. It shakes them all
up, but Marie in particular. She and Elizabeth attend a memorial service, where they
learn that Rick left all his worldly good to Marie, although they'd never talked.
The most important thing in his life was watching her perform every Friday night.
As is often the case, Marie is confused about what she should be doing with her life,
and concludes that God wants her "to please men." She takes this philosophy onto the
stage at Danny's and causes a small riot. Elizabeth suggests that she needs to stop
taking things to extremes.
| SONGS
|
The Lubbock Babes perform three songs:
| Caught You Red-Handed ??? (interrupted by Rick Potter's death) Twist and Shout THE ISLEY BROTHERS ("Lubbock Babes Minus One") Come and Get It ??? (Marie's wild solo) QUOTES
| WENDY
| I'm not comfortable with
dying. That's why I don't watch Pat Sajak.
| CINDY
| What's that expression
about life going on?
| CONNIE
| "Life goes on"?
| CINDY
| No, that's not it.
| MARIE
| I could never sing
again. The killing must stop.
| MARIE
| Mom, go pump your
sunshine somewhere else.
| | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.21] | RATBOY LIVES | (III-10: Making a Mark) | 03 Apr 90
| Writer:
| NICK LEROSE
| Director:
| FRANK BONNER
| Guest Starring
| FRANK BONNER
| as
| Father Hargis
| JIM JANSEN
| as
| Mr. Skinner
| MICHAEL GILBERT LEWIS
| as
| Cop
| SYNOPSIS
|
Coach Lubbock is despondent because he doesn't have anything to leave behind for his
family. He feels that he hasn't left a mark on the world. Meanwhile, JR feels ignored,
but he finds a way to leave a vivid mark, by painting RATBOY LIVES on the side of the
St. Augie's gym building. After Coach Lubbock has vented his anger and cooled down,
Elizabeth helps him to see that JR is just trying to be noticed.
| QUOTES
| MARIE
| Daddy, don't divorce
Mom! She promises she'll never forget the beer again!
| COACH
| I have no legacy to
leave my beloved stinkin' kids.
| MARIE
| You're not in the mood
for church today?
| | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.22] | SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM | (III-12: Where There's Smoke...) | 10 Apr 90
| Writers:
| DAN GUNZELMAN & RICH REINHART
| Director:
| DAVID KENDALL
| Guest Starring
|
CHRISTOPHER BLANE WOLF
| as
| Alex
| JASON KORSTJENS
| as
| Harvey Lubbock
| SYNOPSIS
|
Coach Lubbock finds a cigarette smoldering in the basement and tries to scare the
guilty party into confessing. He assumes it's Wendy, but the others are willing to
rat out each other on matters such as JR's girly magazines and Marie's muscle-builder
("health") magazines. The only one Coach Lubbock and Elizabeth assume is above
suspicion is Sherry, the guilty one, who wants to be seen as a young adult instead
of as a little kid.
| QUOTES
| CINDY
| What am I supposed
to stop doing?
| COACH
| Developing.
| WENDY
| I'd never smoke! Show me
one boy who wants to stick his tongue in the mouth of a girl who smokes.
| MARIE
| I confess! I confess! I
watch professional basketball for all the wrong reasons!
| ELIZ.
| You did not cause the
San Francisco earthquake.
| MARIE
| But I didn't stop it,
either.
| MARIE
| What happened?
| CINDY
| They picked my brains!
| CONNIE
| 36 seconds...
| | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3.23] | SLAUGHTERHOUSE TEN | (IV-11: Moo) | 03 May 90
| Writers:
| BILL KIRCHENBAUER & BRAD SLAIGHT
| Director:
| MIKE SULLIVAN
| Guest Starring
|
KEVIN BROPHY
| as
| Doctor
| JASON & JEREMY KORSTJENS
| as
| Harvey Lubbock
| SYNOPSIS
|
Coach Lubbock brings home a cow, planning to have it butchered after eight months.
But the girls, led by Marie, decide to save the life of "Diane" by getting her
pregnant. They succeed, and Coach Lubbock finds himself becoming a proud papa
one more time (as it were).
| QUOTES
| WENDY
| That's the biggest dog
I've ever seen!
| MARIE
| Who's to say there's not
a planet somewhere where cows run things, where they cook and clean and go to the office,
where cows wear the clothes and it's humans who are kept naked in wild herds to mate
willy-nilly, panting and heaving and grunting... I lost my point.
| WENDY
| Not to mention your
mind.
| WENDY
| Don't look at me. If I
used the word "pregnant" in a sentence, I'd never get to finish it.
| | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||